A Case of Reader's Jitters
The light was beginning to dim as I made my way across campus, heading toward the Student Union efficiently, yet not hurriedly, for I had ensured ample time to arrive. Earlier in the day, I had hesitantly asked Dr. Kirchner if I could miss a portion of our weekly evening class to attend the Lumen Open Mic event, and to my relief, she assured that I could, recognizing the importance of English and writing to my college experience. With her express permission, I left the classroom in the middle of lecture and trekked down the stairs of Hirt, anticipation and nerves welling within me. I waged a war in my head, debating on whether to read a piece of my poetry or not. Logically, I knew what the answer should be: participate and read; however, public speaking withers me down, rendering me a wired ball of anxiety. Heart pounding, legs shaking, voice wavering: all the works. It's tedious, but I have steadily improved over the years.
I made my way down to Luke's Landing, making note of the students in attendance. The audience was decent, but nothing exceptional, especially since we are looking to expand the team of editors. Most of them were either Lumen members themselves or my peers from Creative Writing, and not for the first time, I pondered why more English majors chose not to involve themselves in the publication or its events. My eyes landed on Marley, who was seated at the table nearest to the stage, which made my heart warm, as it is entirely in character for her to be front and center. (She, actually, is the one who converted me from a second row sitter to a first row one.) I sat beside her, and the event began. I watched as students rose from their seats, walked to the front, and performed their pieces. Many went twice, and as I continued to sit there, doubts welled up. Time was ticking away, and I witnessed Marley read her amazing pieces (not for the first time, and she would call me biased). Despite her gentle encouragements to read, I remained rooted to my seat, snapping my fingers after each poem's conclusion.
This is the poem of mine she wanted me to read:
"Mitigating Secrecy’s Trepidation"
Spat out spittle spraying with sharpness
Coagulating with a callousness akin to cud on a cow’s tongue
Daunted by the danger of dastardly vulnerability
Like treasure stowed away in a tantalizing trove
A soft, sublime thing meant solely
For you Fangs tucked away, far beneath
The superficial surface yet ready to surge forth
With dangerous zeal should one dare disclose
All that is tangled in the tirade of candor
Pressing with persistence against the palate
Writhing in restlessness no longer in repose
Its spine cracks crumbling under the weight of confidentiality
Spilling forth like blood laying out a soiled stain
Tainting all it touches with unfettered temerity
Curling around it cautiously cradling with care
Breathing softly so as to sooth and settle
Like gliding one’s hands to quiet quivering quarters
The fear receding allowing respite to remain
Lingering for the length it is capable of luxuriating
The titillating sense of trust permeating the air
In the aftermath, am I happy with myself for not mustering up the courage to read? No, of course not. I still had a good time basking in the environment and getting to hear everyone's pieces, but my fears are a reminder that I still have strides to make on improving my confidence. It is now my goal, when another Open Mic is hosted, to perform at least once. Seeing as this post is a not-so-subtle plug for the Lumen, I'll leave a link down below. I would embolden everyone to submit poetry and prose to the Lumen (if you were not planning to already), as it costs nothing to try. If accepted, your piece(s) will be in the Lumen book, and there is even a chance to win a prize! Also, if you would like to join the team of editors, I also advocate for that, as we're constantly looking to expand the group.
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